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Contributed by Gricela Shelton (Mommy)
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Tuesday, 25 January 2005 |
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I bought a journel to write my feelings in, but I've not written in it for a few months now. I found I was just writing the same things over & over again. I miss her, I can't believe this is real, I'm angry & depressed. I wondered when my feelings would be different, when I would hit the "next stage of grief", but I don't even know what stage it is that I'm in. So, rather than open up the journel and write what I've probably already written a thousand times, I'm just going to ramble here for a little while.
I don't know exactly what it is I'm supposed to be feeling 5 months after the accident. Should I be feeling better? I'm not. Should I go on with my life? I don't really have a choice. I know that all she ever wanted for me was happiness, and that keeps me going. But I don't think I will ever feel happiness again. There will always be this gap in my heart, this pain will never go away, not until I see her again. I'm certainly not the same person I was 5 months ago, I'll never be that person again. So now I suppose what I have to do is to redefine myself (whatever that means) I lost my job, and I have absolutely no desire to find a new one, though I know I will need to soon enough. Unfortunately life goes on. I don't think I'll do office work again, I think I need to do something a little more physical. Let out some aggression. I don't fear death anymore. I look forward to it. I'm not saying I would ever try to hurt myself, I'm not stupid, but if a truck should happen to fall on me, so be it. I appologize to everyone who loves me, I have no intentions of leaving you behind to mourn my death, I don't want anybody to feel what I'm feeling. I just miss my baby so much. I want to run and play with her. I mean, I am looking forward to the rest of my life, to starting a new life. I just also look forward to the end of my life, when I can be with her again. I guess my intentions are to make it through this life the best I can, do the best I can, and make the best of it until God says it's time for mother and daughter to reunite. |
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